Setting Boundaries As A Mentor

In Psychology we describe boundaries as an invisible line you draw around yourself to identify what is acceptable behaviour, and what is unacceptable behaviour. 

Boundaries can come in many forms and they are meant to protect your emotional space, your energy and your priorities.

Even though setting boundaries can be challenging for some, it is important to communicate these for those around you, including yourself. This is especially important because it’s linked to your self-respect, so if you allow yourself to break these boundaries, you’re more likely to allow others to do the same.

Healthy boundaries are a crucial component of self-care. That’s because “in work or in our personal relationships, poor boundaries lead to resentment, anger, and burnout.”

Generally, not setting boundaries for yourself can lead to stress in many aspects of your life. Healthy boundaries can have many benefits, including helping people make decisions based on what is best them, not just the people around them.

For people with a strong empathic side, like mentors, setting boundaries is a vital skill to learn and practice.

The first step to setting healthy boundaries is getting clear on what you need and what you want. Reflect on the boundaries already in place and what’s missing from them.

Figure out what you need from various relationships and in various environments and then communicate them to other people.

Your boundaries are your non-negotiables so don’t start negotiating them. State them respectfully, gracefully and firmly – there is no need to explain. 

Keep the focus on yourself through ‘I statements’. For example, instead of telling your clients ‘You have to stop calling me in the evening’, tell them that ‘I need time for myself and my family in the evenings so I won’t be checking my messages’. 

For many who are not used to setting healthy boundaries, this process will feel uncomfortable in the beginning. For people who tend to put others first, you might even feel guilty or ashamed, to begin with. For others, you might fear rejection or confrontation. 

Don’t expect perfection from the start but practice saying your boundaries. Make a list and practice them alone by articulating them out loud. And then practice on others, step by step, starting with the smallest things.  

Learning to set healthy boundaries is a skill that takes time so allow yourself space to practice, to make mistakes and do it at your own pace. 

You are only responsible for communicating your boundaries clearly, you’re not responsible for the reaction of the other person. False responsibility leads to all kinds of shame and guilt, and the first step is to recognize it and accept it. So say it again, loud and proud.

You are not responsible for other people’s reaction. 

Appropriate boundaries look different for each of us in different environments but it’s important to set boundaries in all aspects of your life.

Before you enter into any mentoring relationship, whether this is your first client or your 100th, it’s smart to have a clear awareness of your own capacity. 

How much time can you offer to this client? What about your other obligations? How do you assure that you’re not stretching yourself too thin? What will you do if things get emotionally demanding? What exactly is “emotionally demanding” for you?

There are many important questions you should ask yourself when it comes to understanding your limits.